My Own Pity Party

Isn't that what blogging is for? Much like a diary but the difference is I can share it with the world and the world can put in their two cents. Everyone has an opinion.
I should be happy. I've got my LVN license finally after all that hard work. I have a great CNA job, the hours suck but most of my coworkers are nice and we pretty much get along. I'm blessed with 3 awesome kids, food, clothing, shelter, transportation, health... We could say money can't buy happiness, but taken away, lack of money can cause the worst pains and stress ever. This economy really sucks. Bills are piling, we are pinching in every possible places we can find.
What causes depression? You see those rich and famous people self-destruct and they can have everything they want. So, why aren't they happy? Because they want more than what they have? Does it all come down to having love? I live in a house full of people, yet I can still feel so alone. That's how I felt growing up too. I had absolutely nobody to talk to. A little book is the only place I sometimes let my emotions go, where I shared my pain and tears. Here I am at 40 and feel the same way again. I have friends this time that I can talk to but I sometimes don't know how to. The pain is mentally, and it's excruciating. When I have these days, every little thing is magnified. Added up, it's explosive.
Is my mood due to PMS? Or is the world really out to get me, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much good things I do in the world. I just want to be appreciated, rewarded,.... loved.
Even typing right now, this stupid laptop is pissing me off because the cursor moves to where ever it damn feels like it. Just earlier, I was completing an online employment application and just when I completed it, my wifi dropped and all information was lost.
And I still don't have a boyfriend.
Why is it that all the guys I would like to be with are not interested and the ones that try to get my attention are totally not my type? I really am not that picky. I will admit that I was turned off by a guy because he used the incorrect form of "you're" with "your." It was just annoying. Yes, I've been told to expand my horizon but I'm not just gonna settle. I'm done with that. I deserve better!
And so, I'm alone.
It's depressing.
Growing up, my responsibility to my younger brothers kept me from committing suicide. I truly believe that. It was a very strict household and I was not loved by my parents. Right now, what's keeping me from jumping off that Coronado Bay Bridge are my 3 kids. They're my only reason for living. Sometimes I feel like I can't handle anymore, then I cuddle with my little girl and everything is all right. I'm not looking for happiness in finding a man, I just need a man to share my day, emotions with. I long for attention again. It's the little things. I feel so alone and this feeling sucks.