Tis the Season.....

It appears the guy I met and finally slept with is blowing me off. Apparently really wasn't a gentleman. Hence, the reason for guarding the heart. Still, the sting exists. But family time and Christmas Cheer pushes that away...
Merry Christmas!!!

Happy Friggin' Birthday!

So I send a happy birthday to someone at like 11:30 last night after work and this morn I get a text sayin "today is my bday. Ur a day early". WTF! I know it's today! You're friggin welcome! I knew u weren't gonna receive it til this morn. Geez! Next year I'll wait the friggin half hour. I really hate Sagittarius!!! You stupid Ass....

So I met this guy...

It seems like forever since I've met anyone new. Not motivated I guess. Anyway, we met a couple times. Just for a few minutes and both times at Starbux. He's been really nice, a gentleman. Very mature. Not like a lot I've met. Though we've hugged, he hasn't even tried to kiss me. What does that mean? Hmmm....
Actually, on our last "date" he ate while I had my Starbux. Well, he was hungry and I had already eaten. So we're inside Chipotle talking and somehow he figured I was still hung up on my ex. Am I that transparent? Before that, he said he was determined to break through this shell I had around me. I told him I'm just being cautious, he's still a stranger after all.
I'm not sure if he thinks I'm a psycho chick or if I think he's a serial killer yet. But I haven't heard from him since. Lets see, it's been two days. That's ok.
That's ok....

Shall we chat?

Well, I started chatting online again on a free website... Are you serious? I'm thinking I need to tone down my pics cuz all I'm getting are messages from horny young or nasty old guys... Really? sigh......

Counting Blessings...

There are so many things I am thankful for... I thank God that most of my family is close by and able to celebrate together on this Thanksgiving Day. We were missing my youngest brother who lives in San Francisco and my mother who had to work, and also Mabel who had moved to a different state. My daughter also mentioned that Uncle Pat was missing. Their absence was felt but they were thought of.
I was fortunate that my day off landed on today.
Thank you, Lord, for the delicious feast, the sunny fall weather, the health of my family, the warm house we live in, the comfortable beds we sleep in, the reliable transportation, my new job, the entertainment from TV or computers, and especially the LOVE we all have and feel for one another...
This time of the year is the best. Though it will rush by and everybody will be busy busy busy, we must not forget the Reason for the Season.... God Bless!

For the Face

Botanics products are what I like to use for my face. I normally love Avon but all my Avon ladies are gone or stopped selling. And so I found these at Target stores:
http://www.us.boots.com/BrandBotanics/

They use plant extracts. I love their facial cleaners, just a little drop while in the shower makes me feel fresh and clean, brightening the skin. And to keep my face from being dry, I use their moisturizer. Because I'm allergic to sun screen, I can't use the day creams because it has SPFs. I know, sucks. I just can't go out in the sun. So I use the night moisturizers.

Unhappy Anniversary

Unhappy Anniversary, Shane. I'll never forget you... Though I really wish I never met you :'(

Closing the book

Well, I did it. I texted Shane how I felt and told him it will be one year since we've met. His response, "yeah, that's weird." What a charmer, huh? Well, I knew he didn't care. I don't know why I do. I told him I just never stopped thinking about him and that I knew it meant more to me than to him and that I'll never understand but that's it's ok. It really is ok now. It takes him a day later to respond to me, making sure again that I know he doesn't care. Again, why do I? What is it about him? Just when I think I'm over him, he pops up in my head again. What happened, I still don't know. But yes, I really am done. This book is over. I hate bad endings. When I know a movie ends bad, I don't even bother watching. If only I knew some endings of some books I've read, I wouldn't have read them. They were a waste of my time, and ended up making me feel sad or angry. But I don't like being told endings, I like to feel it myself. But I only like good feelings. This feeling of this book was the worst...

Days off

Having a weird schedule, I get my days off sometimes in the middle of the week. And so I can catch up on things while the kids are at school... or I just hang out and catch up on Ghost Hunters, Walking Dead, or Halloween movies... This is a great month. I really should be productive and clean up but working nights is still exhausting me. I find I just try to catch up on sleep. Soon I think I can get the hang of it, but I just started this schedule so it'll be a while. I did try to log on for my online mandatory training thing for work, but I couldn't access it so I gave up trying.
What I wanted to do was text Shane to see if he wanted to go to a movie with me tonight. What's stopping me? Rejection. How can guys just drop you just like that? How? Why did it mean so much more for the girl? It's mind-boggling. Our 1st Anniversary of when we met would have been October 22. I'm still debating whether I should text him about it. I know he doesn't care though.
I really should try to actively find a new boyfriend but I don't feel like going out. Plus I have to save on funds, it's the Holidays coming up. The online thing is just too weird too, they're just weird. Strangers.

Holding steady

It's finally beginning to feel like Autumn... It rained, for like a second. It woke me up from my nap but I went right back to sleep. I never get enough sleep when I work nights.
I finished my first week at work, my first time with LVN responsibilities. I'm learning, I think I can get used to it. I think the schedule will work, it's unusual but at least not boring. I can do it.
Now the only thing missing is to share my celebration with a man. I don't know what I was thinking but I texted Shane, my last guy I've actually been seeing. And he texted back! I was surprised but very happy. I miss him so much. I only texted that I hope he was well and wrote my name because he's made it a point to make sure I know that he has deleted my number. He responded with "Thnx u too!" I don't know what to think of it. I shouldn't get my hopes up because he's always treated me like shit. I guess I just need help to move on...
I know something good is going to happen. It just has to...

The Quick Updo for Busy Mommy

 http://www.beautylish.com/a/vcyuy/the-lazy-girls-updo


This is so me. The page calls it the Lazy Girl's Updo but really, it's so quick and can be quite sexy. It's more quick than making the bun for work. But it's not strong nor sturdy enough to stay up during workouts. I reserve that for a plain ponytail. Follow the link for more "Beautylish" articles.

Turning around

I read my daily and monthly horoscopes and apparently there's this Monster Moon approaching that may cause chaos, depending on your sign. The warning is to stay home around September 29. I only read it, half-believing because nothing significantly good nor bad ever happens like it would say..... except..... December 10 of last year was some eclipse that occurred. That day was a very low in my life. It was horrible. I was stressing over finals, I heard that my brother may be very sick with liver problems, and my Surfer Shane boyfriend texts me that he and his ex-girlfriend had been talking and may try to work things out. I was devastated. Shane came back to me a couple months later just to leave me again. That's a different story. But I still miss him like crazy and I know he knows it.
Today, I got my very first mammogram ever. "Ow!" is all I can say. But thank goodness it was quick. Still, I didn't know my boobs could stretch like that. I also had to get fasting blood work done. I didn't eat for 12 hours so they could draw blood. This was easy only because I was out cold early after early dinner the night before. I hadn't slept after my night shift because I was going to do a few things before I napped but then I received a phone call for an interview. I figured sleep can wait, it was my day off. So, this morning I got all that done early and went back home. I was thinking maybe I could get a pregnancy test done too since I was there at the lab but she told me that I needed to go to my OBGYN for that. No big deal, it was still early. Turns out, my period came a few hours later. Funny, a few people at work started theirs this week too. Even my daughter.
This past few weeks I was just depressed and moody. I tried to reach out to one old friend but she never responded and I can't understand her distance to me. It may be she doesn't understand and believes I'm negative. I don't know but she decided to never respond to any FB statuses anymore either. It's sad.
I went to breakfast Saturday morning with a bunch of coworkers but I had sent a mass text inviting a bunch of people. One coworker responds to all which triggered "James" to question who she was. He didn't know it was a mass text. When she told me, I texted him that she was my coworker. He asks me if she was hot and I responded yes very. James then proceeded to have a whole conversation with her. When I found out later I was pissed! Only because she was a friend of mine and I told him that. He continued to deny that he was flirting. But he wasn't having any conversation with me at all and he doesn't even know her. That is why I'm pissed! But she too should have just told him that that was totally inappropriate. I'm never speaking to him again. He's such an ass! Why do I end up with these kind of guys? Another person I included in that mass text was my ex Surfer Shane. He responds with "Who is this?" What another ass! He knows! I respond with Sry I forgot u don't care to keep frenz. He never responded. Why do I miss him?
Well, James is out of the picture again. He's such a jerk. Men are so clueless or just plain heartless.
A bright side came back from Indonesia surfing trip. He texted me on his way home from LAX. Let's call him Mark. Mark sometimes can look like Bradley Cooper but he has a little balding spot on the top back. He's real sweet and affectionate. He likes chick flicks. He's my age but he can hold "it" up pretty well. Mark texts me and tells me that he's back. I told him that his text made my week because it's been real crappy lately. I haven't heard back and I haven't texted. I had told him before he left that I had a boyfriend. I only did that so he wouldn't expect anything from me. But I do like him. He likes to drink though, which isn't a problem unless he calls me drunk.
Things may be turning around. The person that interviewed me yesterday used to go to the same school I did and had the same teachers. That was my advantage because he knew how hard it is to get qualified into that LVN program and how hard we worked to graduate. Thank goodness because I am terrible at interviews. After the interview I went to get the urine drug test done and get live-scanned. All in the same area. This job is going to pay almost twice what I'm making now as a CNA. I'm so happy! Now that's a sentence way overdue. I'm excited. The facility is beautiful. I'm nervous too and I want to review my common drugs and their effects. I haven't told my coworkers yet. I don't know if I will. Right now, I just want to thank God for his Blessings... He truly is a Great God!

My Own Pity Party

Isn't that what blogging is for? Much like a diary but the difference is I can share it with the world and the world can put in their two cents. Everyone has an opinion.
I should be happy. I've got my LVN license finally after all that hard work. I have a great CNA job, the hours suck but most of my coworkers are nice and we pretty much get along. I'm blessed with 3 awesome kids, food, clothing, shelter, transportation, health... We could say money can't buy happiness, but taken away, lack of money can cause the worst pains and stress ever. This economy really sucks. Bills are piling, we are pinching in every possible places we can find.
What causes depression? You see those rich and famous people self-destruct and they can have everything they want. So, why aren't they happy? Because they want more than what they have? Does it all come down to having love? I live in a house full of people, yet I can still feel so alone. That's how I felt growing up too. I had absolutely nobody to talk to. A little book is the only place I sometimes let my emotions go, where I shared my pain and tears. Here I am at 40 and feel the same way again. I have friends this time that I can talk to but I sometimes don't know how to. The pain is mentally, and it's excruciating. When I have these days, every little thing is magnified. Added up, it's explosive.
Is my mood due to PMS? Or is the world really out to get me, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much good things I do in the world. I just want to be appreciated, rewarded,.... loved.
Even typing right now, this stupid laptop is pissing me off because the cursor moves to where ever it damn feels like it. Just earlier, I was completing an online employment application and just when I completed it, my wifi dropped and all information was lost.
And I still don't have a boyfriend.
Why is it that all the guys I would like to be with are not interested and the ones that try to get my attention are totally not my type? I really am not that picky. I will admit that I was turned off by a guy because he used the incorrect form of "you're" with "your." It was just annoying. Yes, I've been told to expand my horizon but I'm not just gonna settle. I'm done with that. I deserve better!
And so, I'm alone.
It's depressing.
Growing up, my responsibility to my younger brothers kept me from committing suicide. I truly believe that. It was a very strict household and I was not loved by my parents. Right now, what's keeping me from jumping off that Coronado Bay Bridge are my 3 kids. They're my only reason for living. Sometimes I feel like I can't handle anymore, then I cuddle with my little girl and everything is all right. I'm not looking for happiness in finding a man, I just need a man to share my day, emotions with. I long for attention again. It's the little things. I feel so alone and this feeling sucks.

A day in the life...

Today was a good day. I scheduled a waxing this morning for me and my friend at "Pretty Kitty Wax". We've never been there and I've only ever had a few bikini waxes done before. My friend wanted to treat me the spa as a gift for either my birthday because she didn't know what to get me or for passing my State Board. I was very appreciative. She's a very sweet person. Afterwards, I met up with a different friend for a nooner. After that, I bought pancit palabok for lunch to take home. I then cooked up fried rice for the kids because they always come home hungry from school. Then, I picked up the kids. I got one girl ready for dance. I drove her to pick up her friend and friend's sister and took them all to dance class...... Rest...... Picked up the girls from dance, paid dance tuition for next semester registration, ate dinner, helped kids with homework, then I got ready for working the night shift... Yes, I work, but as a CNA for a healthcare employment agency. Dare I mention where I work? That, seriously, is a whole different blog in itself. But as I was almost ready to leave, I received a call from work telling me that they are overstaffed tonight and so I was cancelled. I am actually relieved because I hardly rested enough to take on a full night of work which is 10pm to 6am. Tonight was going to be my Monday, this is ok. And so, today was a good day, ending as a good night.

"Pretty Kitty" is a great place with courteous and professional employees. So much younger than I, I noticed. I didn't get the full Brazilian but I did practically get the full removal. I opted to keep a "triangle" :). It was not painful for me at all and it was quick. I feel smooth now. I highly recommend the place.They suggested I take ibuprofen about an hour before I come in, I guess that's for the sissies who can't take it. I still say that the dentist visits are where you experience the worst pain ever! Worst than giving birth. Anyway, the place also suggested that no caffeine is consumed before the appointment because it does something to the pores and makes it harder to wax. Oh ok, I was going to have my coffee or tea before my shift at work anyway.

Did I mention where I went afterwards? Ahh yes, my nooner. Let's call him James. I met James a little over a year ago. A friend of a friend from High School. And this High School friend I really didn't know, he's just friends of other of my friends from High School. And so we are Facebook "friends." So, his friend James saw me and became my "friend." Yes, that is the world of Facebook. But I digress.... I received a text last night from James. A midnight booty call text. I was already comfortable in bed. He said he was in his house alone. He lives with his sister so I guess she was out. I didn't go. That would require getting up off my pillow and also getting into the shower and driving over. But I did answer his morning text. Apparently, he didn't work today. I figured he wouldn't because he's usually in bed early for his 4am wake-up time to get ready for work. I told him after my waxing appointment I'll see him and he can tell me what he thought about the waxing job. James is short. When I stand with heels next to him, I'm taller. He's handsome, says nice things to me and is my age. A month older. He's got tattoos and pierced ears, smokes medical weed (so he says) and likes to drink. But he really is a great person. We are just different. I guess that's why we are only F-buddies. I told him I've missed him today, and he only smiled at me. Sex seems to mean more to women than it does to men. I've read that it's because it's our hormones. We get more attached. That just says to me that men are just too insensitive! It's sad and frustrating. James is a pretty good lover, but he seems like he can't help but finish quick. He says I do that to him, I guess that's flattering but doesn't do me any good... I don't want a part-time friend anymore. I long for affection all the time. Attention. A male ear to talk to and strong arms to comfort me. I want to hold hands in public and be grabbed and kissed just because... I'm still dreaming......

Today was a good day...

Birth of a Baby Blog

I just gave birth to a baby blog... haha. That's what my friend said as she helped me set this up. Well, where do I begin? At 40, of course!

I'm almost over my 4th month of being 40. How do I feel? The number makes me feel sad, but I don't really feel any different from when I was still in my 30s, and I don't really remember that anyway. I'm glad I don't have any crows feet by my eyes yet and I'm told I still look in my 20s. I attribute that to my Asian skin although I still like to moisturize every day. And this big zit on my chin may be deceiving people too :/. Zits at 40! Go figure...

Now that school is over and I've passed my State Board exam, I can concentrate on getting back into shape and fit into my old clothes again. It seems a lot harder now than it used to be though. I never had to try so hard. It's this age thing again, isn't it?

And then there's this job-hunting. I was offered to do flu clinics for very good pay. The catch is I have to have my license in my hand. My classmates have told me how unforgivably long the State is taking in sending these things out. In their defense though, I did get my passing results in less than a week. I'm just still waiting on my actual license :/. It's so frustrating. So, that made me extremely depressed today :'(. I missed out.

And so here I am. I hope to share my adventures of trying to find a job, be a busy mom, stay fit, happy, and healthy (and skinny again!) and maybe find a boyfriend... Believe me, I've met all the jerks. Or so I thought, because another jerk comes along and proved me wrong. But the right one has to be out there. One who will love me and all my faults :)